Your Horoscope Says You're a Gullible Idiot

WAY too many shrooms!

“Today's Birthday: Loved ones will be grateful if you don't spit while blowing out the candles on your cake."

(Al Jaffee, MAD Guide to Horoscopes)

Sitting on a bus, somewhat bored one evening, I picked up a copy of that doyen of free right-wing gutter rags, the Metro. Having got through the shit 'reporting', the compulsory “SNP BAD!” story of what everyone else knew - “Nicola rules out indyref2 for this year” - the bad science scaremongering - “Visitor warning after virus breaks out at cancer centre” / “Asthma link to mums who took drugs for heartburn” - the gossip pages which I never read, the deeply unfunny 'comedians', and the vertigo-inducing letters of their knuckledragger readership, my eyes lighted on the horoscopes.

Now I don't normally look at these things, but decided that evening to do so, just for a larf to see what bullshit had been written for my birthsign, Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23). This is what I found;

The cosmic backdrop suggests a number of opportunities can emerge which might all have some appeal. Therefore, if the way ahead regarding one of them appears temporarily blocked, you may have more luck with the others.

“What the F?” I thought, “That could apply to ANYBODY, at many given times in their life.” And of course, we all, frequently come up against obstacles, and go for the alternatives to them, all the time. Talk about general? What makes that so special for Leos?

So, having had a laugh at that, with their astrologer being so general, I decided to see what they had for the rest. Please note this is copied verbatim, and I take absolutely no responsibility for the bad grammar throughout.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23):

Though you might be keen to explore various opportunities, it may be better to see how things pan out. You could be drawn into a project that speaks to you on a passionate level and that can be very good for you.

“Errmmm,” thought I, “did I not just read exactly the same for Leo, only worded somewhat differently?” Oh, this was too good a laugh. I decided to go right through the Zodiac.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

Jupiter's ties encourage you to move in different circles. You may find mingling with those from other backgrounds and ideas and opinions that differ from your own quite liberating.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

If something you want to buy isn't available right now, it might not be such a bad thing. If you snap up an item on impulse, it may be just as well to keep any receipts to hand, as you could find it may not be quite what you thought.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

If you've managed to stick with your routine, you're doing well. It may be tempting to linger with friends to delay getting down to key activities. Another tie associated with a home situation suggests a discussion might be required.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

It can seem that you're being encouraged to move in a certain direction. You may feel reluctant to do so, even though you think it may be good for you. Why? Well, the stars prompt you to move out of your comfort zone but you may not feel ready yet.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

There may be lots of reasons why your attention is drawn in different directions, but today you might find this rewarding. Holding different tasks and liaising with various people can see you making new connections.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

The coming days can see you looking more closely at your goals and thinking about which of them inspires you. You might find one of them calls out to you so much you could see it as a big part of the picture in future.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

You may feel inclined to explore exciting ideas rather than focus on tasks which can seem bland in comparison. And with the Moon in Gemini, the chance to multitask might help the hours speed by.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

The temptation to dismiss an idea that might appear too conservative may be easily done, especially if other more lively options seem to hold promise. However, the further you look into it the more it might appeal. Don't rush into it, though.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 21)

Your instincts may play a part in a key decision and you could feel compelled to follow a path that might set you apart from friends or certain others. If you do go ahead, it may be as well to persevere, as doing so could work to your benefit.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 23)

Fresh possibilities might see you keen to jump on one idea, perhaps without thinking it through and this may be something to be aware of. A chat with someone close could gift you with a deeper understanding of what really entails.

I'm pretty sure that most of you reading this have noticed exactly what I noticed about all these 'predicitions'; THEY'RE ALL THE BLOODY SAME HOROSCOPE, WORDED SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY EACH TIME.

Be it in work, at home, life choices, whateva, each and every one speaks of making choices with regard to directions in life. And really, for all the 'cosmic' mumbo jumbo, in many cases the 'psychic' advises, many times, to talk over or weigh up options. What? Surely if “it's all written in the stars”, then it's already been decided and predestined, and there's not a bloody thing anyone can do to change that?

This is what I intensely dislike about horoscopes; nothing controls your life or your 'fate', if you insist on calling that. I don't believe in fate, except in certain cases...

Admiral Lord Nelson; “Kismet, Hardy, Kismet.”
Sailor No.1; “I always knew his lordship was that way inclined.”

Sailor No.2; “No. 'Kismet', it means fate.”

Sailor No.1; “Well shore, if 'is fate are botehering him, I'll take his boots off.”

From moment to moment there are an infinite number of possible futures each and every one of us can go into. For instance, you could be in bed right now instead of sitting here thinking “What the hell is Les moaning about now?” In the next few moments you could go make a cup of tea, scratch your arse (How did I know you were going to do that? Cos I'm psychic.) or be jumped by your partner for sex (you jammy bastard!), or the ceiling could cave in, or whateva. There is NO set future, NO fate, NO destiny, and NOTHING written in the stars. The Law of Causality completely rules it out.

And what's more, you – dear reader – would not want to have fate, destiny, a predestined set future. For if you did then you would not be in control of your life. You would not be able to make decisions re your future, or if you did, then that would already have been decided.

And this is where the Metro horoscopes completely fall down; for each and every one of them speaks of seeking advice, or hedging your bets (but then they would – all being the same horoscope), but of course, if the stars and planets really had an affect on your life, then it's already been predestined, and there's not a bloody thing you can do about that. And the irony of that of course is that there's absolutely no point in reading your sodding horoscope.

But of course, I am being glib. Many astrologers will point out that newspaper/magazine horoscopes are all hogwash anyway, as you can't generalise about an entire group of people and say that life is going to take them in certain directions. They would argue that everyone has to have their own personal horoscope read. But of course they do, while clearing their throat, and pointing to their advert for personal horoscope forecasts. And do you have any idea what it costs to have a personal horoscope done?

So, do I think there's anything in it at all? Well, our planet is bombarded with cosmic rays all the time, and the pull of gravity from the Moon does have certain affects upon the planet. I would argue that it is perfectly possible that these things can have an affect upon living creatures, including mankind. Scientific studies have claimed that the cycles of the Moon have no affect upon human behaviour. I stick two fingers up to the scientific studies and ask them to go ask any police officer, nurses and doctors in Accident & Emergency, pub bouncers / door staff, or bar staff what happens when a full moon falls over a weekend. I have even known a serving police officer who got swap shifts wherever possible to avoid such periods.

So yes, I do believe that some minor changes to behaviour can temporarily be caused by effects upon the planet. But if anyone is going to tell me that our lives are governed by distant planets in the Solar System, and stars thousands of light years away, then I'm afraid that your head is in conjunction with Uranus.